Sunday column: Reality check

Lucky for us, our wedding day was a moment of bliss amid the tumultuous pre-wedding and newlywed months that surrounded it.

This column was inspired by my re-reading the brilliant book What No One Tells the Bride by Marg Stark given to my by my genius friend Jessica (thanks Red!).

My best friend is getting married in the fall, and I find myself in somewhat of a strange position.
I want to be helpful but not overwhelm her with unsolicited advice. I want to keep my mouth shut and listen to her, but there are times I can’t help but comment. I want to relate my wedding experience to her without saying “At my wedding ...” 100 times in a single conversation.
It’s a fine line, I tell you, and crossing it could sting us both a little.
There are many differences between the way she and I approached our weddings. Mine was a traditional affair with all the bells and whistles. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. But, seeing her nontraditional approach has opened my eyes to the variety of ways couples can plan a wedding that is special and sacred.
But beyond the minute details such as who processes in with whom, how big the guest list should be or what type of reception menu to order, there are other — more important — aspects of being engaged, getting married and being a newlywed that I want to share with her.
For example, I want her to know that she and her new husband likely will have some vicious fights in the months following the big event, and they’re not alone. I want to tell her that she will mourn the death of her single life more than she ever dreamed she would. I want to warn her that everyone will expect her to be bubbly and happy leading up to and after the wedding, but there will be times when she probably will be flooded with the exact opposite emotions, and that’s OK.
These are the things that no one tells the bride, so when they happen, we feel like something is wrong with us, our relationship or our fiance/husband.
The truth is, though, that these and lots of other feelings are normal parts of making one of the biggest changes in your life.
Committing to sharing your life with another person until death do you part is one of the most major, if not the most major, decision that most of us make in our lives. It should be considered natural that a mixed bag of emotions — not just complete joy — will come along with it. The problem is that the wedding magazines don’t write about that. The Web sites gloss right over it in favor of “50 tips on how to create the perfect bouquet.”
That bouquet will be dead in a day; your marriage, however, should be more long-lasting.
My husband and I are still considered newlyweds by most people, but in the short amount of time we’ve been married we’ve already been through some ups and downs.
I’ll admit that it took me a while to figure out a balance in our relationship after being single for many years. I still haven’t completely adopted the “we” and “our” language, and maybe I never will. Thankfully, my husband is good-natured about it, even when I refer to “my” bank account instead of “our” bank account.
Every couple needs to just give themselves time to adjust and realize that nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. The marriages you’ve witnessed so far in your life do not necessarily set an example for what your marriage will be like.
Growing up, I always saw my parents, who have been married more than 30 years, go to bed at the same time. Thus, when I got married I expected that Nick and I would do the same. It was actually hard for me to accept the fact that he is rarely ready to go to bed at the same time as me. After trying to force the issue for a while and feeling like a complete failure, I finally just accepted the fact that he was a night owl. Know what happened? Now, on the rare occasions when we do go to bed at the same time, I find myself tossing and turning for longer than normal because I’m used to having the whole bed to myself and him crawling in later.
It may seem insignificant, but these are the types of things that can really weigh on the mind of a newlywed. We want things to be “perfect,” like they show in the magazines. But, it’s time we all take a reality check and understand that each unique couple will develop the type of marriage that’s right for them, no matter what Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa or any other couple has done in the past.
After nearly two years of marriage, I’m just starting to realize this. I only hope my best friend gets it faster than I did. It will save her some heartache, that’s for sure.

Sunday column: Reading and re-reading

Being called a "bookworm" was never an insult to me.
As far back as I can remember, I've loved reading. This also explains my love of libraries. No matter where I am, when I walk into a library I feel at home.
My mom has always encouraged my love of books; in fact, I probably have her to thank for it. When my brother and sisters and I were growing up, Mom always read to us. Part of our nightly routine was for us to all pile on the couch — two kids on each side of Mom — and listen as she read to us. When we were really young, she'd read us short picture books. As we grew up, she moved on to young adult novels. The hands-down family favorite was Where the Red Fern Grows, by Wilson Rawls, but E.B. White's Charlotte's Web comes in at a close second.
As an elementary school girl, my prized possession was my boxed set of Little House on the Prairie books. I also had a deep affection for the Anne of Green Gables series. Mom still has that set of Little House books, which I fully intend to bestow upon a lucky reader of my family's next generation.
As much as Mom and I have in common when it comes to reading, though, there are points about which we disagree.
For example, Charles Frazier's Cold Mountain is on Mom's Top 10 Favorite Books list. I, on the other hand, made two separate attempts at reading that book and just couldn't get into it.
The other major difference between Mom and me is the practice of re-reading a book. I am a fan of the re-read; Mom is not. The only time you'll catch Mom re-reading a book is if she's completely forgotten what it was about.
I like to re-read books that I enjoyed the first time around. It is comforting to me to go back to those old stand-bys that I know will be a guaranteed good read. While Mom tends to think this is a waste of time, I always enjoy the second or third read as much, if not more than, the first one.
Here are a few books that have made their way onto my nightstand more than once or twice:

The Cider House Rules by John Irving
I was in high school when one of my friends and co-workers (we both worked part-time at the Ouachita Parish Public Library) turned me on to John Irving. His favorite was The World According to Garp, which I also like. But, The Cider House Rules is my No. 1 favorite Irving book. I just love Homer Wells, the main character. I refused to see the movie version of the book not only because I knew there was no way the movie could compare to the book, but also because I couldn't stand to see actor Tobey Maguire portray my hero Homer Wells — he just didn't match the Homer I'd created in my mind.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Back when I was deep in the throes of "adolescent angst" (Mom's term for those horrible years between ages 15 and 18), J.D. Salinger was my only consolation. I started with The Catcher in the Rye and voraciously devoured all of his other books. As time went on and I continued to re-read Salinger, I kept discovering more and more in his writing that I enjoyed and could relate to. His book Franny and Zooey was the topic of several papers I wrote for a senior-level English class at Louisiana Tech, as well.
Salinger's capture of the tumultuous existence of being a teenager is timeless enough to continue to be relevant even today.

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
A friend from college gave me a copy of A Confederacy of Dunces with a glowing recommendation. Although I'd never heard of the book before, as soon as I started reading I couldn't put it down. I love the humor, the quirkiness and the Louisiana setting of John Kennedy Toole's first and only novel, which earned him a posthumous Pulitzer Prize. This is another point on which Mom and I disagree — she just doesn't get what's so brilliant about this book. Kind of the way I feel about Cold Mountain (I did love the movie, though).
As a side note: This is the only book I've ever seen my brother, the electrical engineer, read from cover to cover since probably junior high. That alone illustrates the power of this book.

Can't wait

Nick and I both are so excited about the new Farmers Market that opens May 24 (well, I'm probably more excited than he is, but I know he's looking forward to it). Not only will they be selling fresh fruits and veggies grown within a 100-mile radius of Ruston, they're also going to have canvas shopping bags available for purchase as well as a drop-off location for recyclables. Woohoo! All of this is probably so exciting for me because I'm in the middle of reading this book. It changed the lives of at least two people I know, and I think it's doing the same for me.