Sunday column: Reality check

Lucky for us, our wedding day was a moment of bliss amid the tumultuous pre-wedding and newlywed months that surrounded it.

This column was inspired by my re-reading the brilliant book What No One Tells the Bride by Marg Stark given to my by my genius friend Jessica (thanks Red!).

My best friend is getting married in the fall, and I find myself in somewhat of a strange position.
I want to be helpful but not overwhelm her with unsolicited advice. I want to keep my mouth shut and listen to her, but there are times I can’t help but comment. I want to relate my wedding experience to her without saying “At my wedding ...” 100 times in a single conversation.
It’s a fine line, I tell you, and crossing it could sting us both a little.
There are many differences between the way she and I approached our weddings. Mine was a traditional affair with all the bells and whistles. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. But, seeing her nontraditional approach has opened my eyes to the variety of ways couples can plan a wedding that is special and sacred.
But beyond the minute details such as who processes in with whom, how big the guest list should be or what type of reception menu to order, there are other — more important — aspects of being engaged, getting married and being a newlywed that I want to share with her.
For example, I want her to know that she and her new husband likely will have some vicious fights in the months following the big event, and they’re not alone. I want to tell her that she will mourn the death of her single life more than she ever dreamed she would. I want to warn her that everyone will expect her to be bubbly and happy leading up to and after the wedding, but there will be times when she probably will be flooded with the exact opposite emotions, and that’s OK.
These are the things that no one tells the bride, so when they happen, we feel like something is wrong with us, our relationship or our fiance/husband.
The truth is, though, that these and lots of other feelings are normal parts of making one of the biggest changes in your life.
Committing to sharing your life with another person until death do you part is one of the most major, if not the most major, decision that most of us make in our lives. It should be considered natural that a mixed bag of emotions — not just complete joy — will come along with it. The problem is that the wedding magazines don’t write about that. The Web sites gloss right over it in favor of “50 tips on how to create the perfect bouquet.”
That bouquet will be dead in a day; your marriage, however, should be more long-lasting.
My husband and I are still considered newlyweds by most people, but in the short amount of time we’ve been married we’ve already been through some ups and downs.
I’ll admit that it took me a while to figure out a balance in our relationship after being single for many years. I still haven’t completely adopted the “we” and “our” language, and maybe I never will. Thankfully, my husband is good-natured about it, even when I refer to “my” bank account instead of “our” bank account.
Every couple needs to just give themselves time to adjust and realize that nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. The marriages you’ve witnessed so far in your life do not necessarily set an example for what your marriage will be like.
Growing up, I always saw my parents, who have been married more than 30 years, go to bed at the same time. Thus, when I got married I expected that Nick and I would do the same. It was actually hard for me to accept the fact that he is rarely ready to go to bed at the same time as me. After trying to force the issue for a while and feeling like a complete failure, I finally just accepted the fact that he was a night owl. Know what happened? Now, on the rare occasions when we do go to bed at the same time, I find myself tossing and turning for longer than normal because I’m used to having the whole bed to myself and him crawling in later.
It may seem insignificant, but these are the types of things that can really weigh on the mind of a newlywed. We want things to be “perfect,” like they show in the magazines. But, it’s time we all take a reality check and understand that each unique couple will develop the type of marriage that’s right for them, no matter what Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa or any other couple has done in the past.
After nearly two years of marriage, I’m just starting to realize this. I only hope my best friend gets it faster than I did. It will save her some heartache, that’s for sure.