Sunday column: Reality check

Lucky for us, our wedding day was a moment of bliss amid the tumultuous pre-wedding and newlywed months that surrounded it.

This column was inspired by my re-reading the brilliant book What No One Tells the Bride by Marg Stark given to my by my genius friend Jessica (thanks Red!).

My best friend is getting married in the fall, and I find myself in somewhat of a strange position.
I want to be helpful but not overwhelm her with unsolicited advice. I want to keep my mouth shut and listen to her, but there are times I can’t help but comment. I want to relate my wedding experience to her without saying “At my wedding ...” 100 times in a single conversation.
It’s a fine line, I tell you, and crossing it could sting us both a little.
There are many differences between the way she and I approached our weddings. Mine was a traditional affair with all the bells and whistles. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. But, seeing her nontraditional approach has opened my eyes to the variety of ways couples can plan a wedding that is special and sacred.
But beyond the minute details such as who processes in with whom, how big the guest list should be or what type of reception menu to order, there are other — more important — aspects of being engaged, getting married and being a newlywed that I want to share with her.
For example, I want her to know that she and her new husband likely will have some vicious fights in the months following the big event, and they’re not alone. I want to tell her that she will mourn the death of her single life more than she ever dreamed she would. I want to warn her that everyone will expect her to be bubbly and happy leading up to and after the wedding, but there will be times when she probably will be flooded with the exact opposite emotions, and that’s OK.
These are the things that no one tells the bride, so when they happen, we feel like something is wrong with us, our relationship or our fiance/husband.
The truth is, though, that these and lots of other feelings are normal parts of making one of the biggest changes in your life.
Committing to sharing your life with another person until death do you part is one of the most major, if not the most major, decision that most of us make in our lives. It should be considered natural that a mixed bag of emotions — not just complete joy — will come along with it. The problem is that the wedding magazines don’t write about that. The Web sites gloss right over it in favor of “50 tips on how to create the perfect bouquet.”
That bouquet will be dead in a day; your marriage, however, should be more long-lasting.
My husband and I are still considered newlyweds by most people, but in the short amount of time we’ve been married we’ve already been through some ups and downs.
I’ll admit that it took me a while to figure out a balance in our relationship after being single for many years. I still haven’t completely adopted the “we” and “our” language, and maybe I never will. Thankfully, my husband is good-natured about it, even when I refer to “my” bank account instead of “our” bank account.
Every couple needs to just give themselves time to adjust and realize that nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. The marriages you’ve witnessed so far in your life do not necessarily set an example for what your marriage will be like.
Growing up, I always saw my parents, who have been married more than 30 years, go to bed at the same time. Thus, when I got married I expected that Nick and I would do the same. It was actually hard for me to accept the fact that he is rarely ready to go to bed at the same time as me. After trying to force the issue for a while and feeling like a complete failure, I finally just accepted the fact that he was a night owl. Know what happened? Now, on the rare occasions when we do go to bed at the same time, I find myself tossing and turning for longer than normal because I’m used to having the whole bed to myself and him crawling in later.
It may seem insignificant, but these are the types of things that can really weigh on the mind of a newlywed. We want things to be “perfect,” like they show in the magazines. But, it’s time we all take a reality check and understand that each unique couple will develop the type of marriage that’s right for them, no matter what Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa or any other couple has done in the past.
After nearly two years of marriage, I’m just starting to realize this. I only hope my best friend gets it faster than I did. It will save her some heartache, that’s for sure.

Sunday column: Safety first

When it comes to safety, let’s just say that my husband takes it very seriously.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining; being safe is important. And, it does mean a lot to me that he cares enough about me to always want to make sure I’m safe.
But, he can get carried away.
For as long as I’ve known him, Nick has had a nightly routine of making certain “checks” before he goes to bed. This consists of things like checking that the knob, deadbolt and chain are locked securely on both the front and back doors, checking that the oven and all burners on the stove are off, checking to ensure windows are closed and locked, that kind of thing.
These are all important safety measures no matter where you live or how many valuables your home contains.
And now, in light of the several tragic house fires that recently have happened in our area, Nick has added another check to his nightly routine.
Every night, and it’s usually pretty late because he is a night owl, my husband feels compelled to push the “test” button on our smoke detector. He wants to make sure it still works, he says. I was OK with this the first time, since we hadn’t checked the functionality of our smoke detector. It was a logical thing to do.
But, to check it every night? I don’t find that quite as logical. That sucker is loud, and it can be heard from outside the house. And no matter how much I beg, Nick refuses to not check it. It’s become a compulsion for him.
I can only imagine what our neighbors must think. Please accept this as an apology for my husband, who suffers from a slight case of safety OCD.
I wouldn’t be surprised if his next course of action is to draw out a fire evacuation plan for the two of us. While these are important and necessary for families, when there are two adults living in a small house, evacuation pretty much boils down to “Get out however you can.”
On the road, Nick’s safety mechanisms are just as active. He never, ever speeds and always volunteers to be the designated driver.
Anytime I go somewhere without him, he checks to make sure my cell phone is fully charged and accessible in case I need to call him. And before I walk out the door, it’s always, “I love you. Be safe.”
As amusing as it sometimes is, though, I find Nick’s overactive safety awareness reassuring. Maybe it’s because as a child, I had my own fears of what could happen once the sun went down.
For whatever reason, I went through a period during my childhood in which I was terrified to go to bed at night. I’d lie awake in my bed with my overactive imagination running wild about all the things that could happen during the night. I had one particular fear that the bathroom faucets would be left running all night and the upstairs of our house — where my bedroom was — would flood. Rational? Of course not. But it was a very real fear to me at that time. It was so real that I’d get up periodically to make sure the faucets were tightly turned off.
I’m the one who forced my family to have fire drills and develop a fire evacuation plan. I even begged my parents for a little rope ladder to put in my upstairs room so I could climb out in case of emergency.
Eventually, I suppose I outgrew my irrational nighttime fears. Or at least, I learned to suppress them to the point that I could sleep at night. Living alone for many years, a few times in big cities, really tested my ability to keep my imagination in check. Because, if you let yourself, you can dream up all kinds of scary things that can happen while you’re alone at night. Especially if you’re a young single girl working the night shift at a newspaper.
So maybe it was kismet that I would fall in love with and marry a man with an eye for safety. At least if I know he’s worrying about all those scary things, then I can put my mind at ease.

Three days in

So far, 2009 hasn't been half bad. Now if only the other 362 days will follow this pattern, we can chalk it up as a good year.
Remember how I'm not making resolutions? Well, one thing that started three days ago that isn't a resolution is a lifestyle change for Nick and me: We're vegetarians. Technically, I'm a vegetarian and he's a vegetarian 90 percent of the time. He may have to indulge in a burger or, more likely for him, pasta with chicken, every once in a while at a restaurant. So far, this no-meat thing is going pretty well. I wanted to do it for health reasons, and I was shocked (and happy) when Nick said he wanted to give it a try too. I've made some delish recipes (no stinkers so far), so I think we may actually be able to stick with this. I'm sure it'll be worth it.
Besides, who wants meat when you can have this:

That's vegetarian jambalaya with coleslaw — dinner on New Year's day. Don't worry, we had our blackeye peas, too, in the form of Texas caviar. So yummy.
Thinking back on last New Year's day, I couldn't remember eating blackeyes and cabbage. Maybe that's why 2008 was a crummy year!

Christmas comedown

So Christmas came and went without much fanfare, which is a good thing. And, I'm proud to report that my handmade holiday was a success! The only store-bought gift this year was for Nick, but I balanced it out with a handmade gift, too.
Here's a few images from my Christmas projects:

Lentils, navy beans and lavender was the filling for the therapy bags I made for the women on my Christmas list. They can be microwaved or popped in the freezer to melt away a headache or to help you relax. After this project, lavender is my new favorite scent!

After a lot of agonizing, I finally settled on making these lined drawstring bags for the men on my list. Men are incredibly hard to make things for, but I figured if we filled these bags with some treats, who wouldn't love them?

And here are some of the treats: Nick's homemade contribution — yummy marshmallow chocolate squares with nuts. Delish!

Carolyn (a recent college graduate!) and Nick ham it up at the extended family Christmas party.

For my next post, I'll share:
1. Photos of the actual therapy bags I made (need to go take some before I give the last one away).
2. Photos of the awesome handmade Christmas gifts I received.
and
3. A New Year's non-resolution (because if I call it a resolution, I will inevitably break it).

Sunday column: TV-free living

Someone once described television as "the menace that everyone loves to hate but can't seem to live without."
For the past year, though, I've done the seemingly impossible — I've lived without TV.
Why would a person do such a thing, you may ask? The answer is simple: To save money.
Now, I realize that the $30 or $40 or $50 a month savings may not seem significant enough to sacrifice cable TV, but I beg to differ. When your financial situation is as tenuous as ours is (thanks to my husband being a full-time student and my choosing an industry not known for its millionaires), every little bit counts.
Forgoing cable TV is not a big deal in larger markets where you can still pick up a few local channels with the trusty rabbit ears. Believe me, I've gotten my money's worth from the pair I purchased years ago.
Here, though, we're too far away from any of the regional channels' satellites to reliably catch the major networks on any kind of consistent basis.
Believe me, I've tried.
Even with the help of a "signal booster" compliments of my dad, our TV channel reception has been spotty at best.
Believe it or not, this is not the first time I've lived life without television. When I was in high school, I did it for more than a year. My friends all thought I was crazy. After all, by not watching TV how could I keep up with the latest music videos on MTV (back when MTV still showed music videos … occasionally) or the newest twist on My So-Called Life, Dawson's Creek, Party of Five and any number of other high school nighttime soap operas?
Somehow, I managed. In fact, my no-TV project of the '90s started out as only a two-month undertaking, and I voluntarily extended it. Why? Because I was using all that time I otherwise would have spent in front of the TV in a much more productive way.
And that's the same thing that's happening now. Instead of watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order — which I would if I could — I've come up with lots of other ways to fill my time.
I take Casey the dog on long walks, I cook, I read, I even do a little cleaning. Thanks to this no-TV lifestyle, I've already got Christmas gifts for all my friends and family. And, I didn't go out to the store and buy them. Nope, I made them all by hand. The lack of TV availability forced me to finally clear off a spot for my sewing machine and viola! Christmas gifts. Not only are they handmade with love, making them gave me a rewarding feeling that you just don't get when you buy a gift, no matter how perfect it is.
The homemade Christmas gifts also have contributed to my efforts to save money, because I spent the same amount on supplies to make a bundle of gifts that I otherwise would have spent on one gift for one person. Now I'm no math genius (clearly, I'm a writer), but even I know that adds up to some savings.
Before I get too carried away, though, I must admit that this no-TV picture isn't 100 percent rosy. Take my disgruntled husband, for example. Without his minimum daily allowance of sports, COPS and the occasional SpongeBob SquarePants episode, he's understandably grouchy. But even he has flexed a little to accommodate TV-free life. Early on, he discovered 97.7 FM ESPN sports radio, and he hasn't looked back since. He's also visited the public library more times in the past year than he probably did in the first 20 years of his life. While he does grab a book now and then, his primary motivation is the library's collection of movies and TV shows on DVD. So although he hasn't completely surrendered his TV-watching, the frequency has diminished significantly.
I've written before about his total inability to eat a meal without watching something on TV. Thanks to DVDs, I'm happy to report he has not gone hungry yet.
I'm sure the TV-free days at my house won't last forever. It did bug me that during the presidential campaign and on Election Day I had to resort to radio and the Internet for up-to-the minute voting reports. But even that wasn't too bad.
On that glorious day when cable TV turns on at my house once again, the key will be to remember all the things I've been filling my time with. Although it will take some willpower not to succumb to marathons of Project Runway and Grey's Anatomy, I think I can stay strong. At least until it's time for Law and Order to come on.

For Your Marriage

Click right here and you'll see a column I wrote featured front and center on the Web site. How exciting! I originally wrote the column for the paper, then on a whim e-mailed the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to tell them that their campaign made me stop and think. I included the column in the e-mail and offered it to them if they had any use for it. Looks like they did! It think this is a wonderful message the Catholic Church is trying to spread, and I'm excited to be a small little part of it.

I wasn't kidding about that pile

A picture is worth a thousand words, but to read my brief description, check out this post.

Sunday column: Opposites attract

To tell you the truth, I never really believed the whole "opposites attract" cliché until it happened to me.
After all, how could two people at opposite ends of the spectrum truly get along, much less fall in love? It's simply not logical, which makes it hard for me, with my Type A tendencies, to accept.
Yet here I am, married to a man who by all accounts is my opposite. A few examples should prove my point.

Messy vs. neat: The never-ending battle
I wouldn't go so far as to describe myself as a "neat freak," but I do tend to prefer that the areas where I spend time — my house, my cubicle at work — are at least picked up. Husband Nick, on the other hand, doesn't mind a bit if every visible surface is piled high with an impressive layer of clean and dirty clothes, papers, magazines, dog toys, food wrappers, etc.
I've even tested his limits of messiness: I'll restrain myself for days, without telling him what I'm doing, and refuse to pick up anything as the piles grow, waiting to see how long it takes before Nick makes even the slightest move to rearrange something. But no — he always outlasts me.

Type A vs. Type B: The personality clash
As a person who has been called an overachiever for years, you can understand how it may be difficult for me to witness my husband's lackadaisical approach toward life. While I'm "on" from the moment I wake up until the minute my head hits the pillow at night, he just glides through his day with nary a moment of visible stress. During times of anxiety, my reaction is to do something — anything — to try to make the situation better. His solution is to simply wait for it to go away or for someone else (read: me) to fix it. I plan out my days and make a list for just about everything; he can't be bothered with schedules. This arrangement causes me to stress out on his behalf, which probably isn't good for my blood pressure. Somehow, though, he usually manages to take care of his business.

Dogs vs. cats: The fur flies
Although I admit I've been on the path to conversion for the past year or so, I've always been a cat person. Nick, of course, is a dog person. So when he had the bright idea to get a dog last year, I begrudgingly agreed. But, I was completely unprepared for how that addition to our little family would affect my life. Don't get me wrong — I like Casey the dog, but boy is she high-maintenance. There's the feeding and the walking and constantly taking her outside. With cats, just dump some food in the bowl and change the litter once a week. Going out of town for the weekend? No problem, just double the food and the litter allowances and have a great trip. With dogs, things aren't nearly as simple.

Quiet vs. loud: The definition of "yelling"
I've written before about being a naturally loud person. It's something I can't help — I come from a big, Italian family. Most of the time, I don't even realize when I'm being loud or "yelling." To Nick, "yelling" is anything above that "inside voice" teachers used to force us to use back in first grade (I probably don't have to say that I was no good at that). No matter how many times I try to explain that just because I raise my voice, I'm not angry, Nick still hears it that way. Meanwhile, he's a naturally shy, quiet person who doesn't yell when he gets angry. Instead, he goes silent. To me, that's much worse than being yelled at. If he'd just shout at me, I'd know how to handle that.

Surprises vs. no surprises: The Christmas challenge
It may be juvenile, but I love surprises. Ever since I was young I'd hold out for my birthday and not open a single gift early — even if Mom said I could. Despite my preference for planning, happy surprises bring me great joy. Nick, however, hates surprises, no matter how good they are. He simply cannot wait until Christmas Day to open Christmas presents. Last year, he even ruined my surprise. The day he bought my Christmas gift (about a week before the big day) he called me and blabbed what he just got me before I could stop him. He can't seem to help himself, so I've taken to hiding his gifts until the day he's technically supposed to open them. That way, I can still manage to truly surprise him.

Chocolate vs. vanilla: The dessert compromise
Oh, and there's one more thing. I like chocolate ice cream; he likes vanilla. Our solution: Neapolitan, the best of both.

Well, look what happened

It seems as though the people at foryourmarriage.org (i.e., the U.S. Catholic Bishops' Conference) liked what I had to say here.
Want proof? Here's part of an e-mail they sent me (from the Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth):

We here at the Bishops' Conference were touched by your column on "What have you done for your marriage today?" Thanks so much for sharing it with us. Of course, this is exactly how we hope the billboards and TV and radio spots will work--that they'll get people to think about the question and maybe prod them to take a little action. I loved your practical examples and
your reflections on the advice you received.
We're re-doing the homepage of our website, and we'd like to feature your column for a few weeks. We'll put the first few lines on the homepage, then invite people to "Read
more."

Woohoo! And, they're even going to run a picture of handsome Nicholas and me. I'll be sure to post a link when it's online at their site.

She's ready to go

Well, Caddy's ready to move. I just wish all the rest of our stuff would pack itself like she did!

What a weekend!

Nick and I had a fantastic weekend in Lafayette visiting good friends Hollie and Bill in their cozy home. The combination of good music, good drinks and a late-night Taco Bell run (this time, I did not get the volcano taco) followed up by Dwyer's breakfast and girl talk the next morning made it a perfect, but much too short, visit. Although there's no photo proof, Hollie and I did our fair share of drinking, too. We've got to do this more often!

Oh yes he did!

True Tampa Bay Rays fan that he is, Nick went and got himself a mohawk or, as they're calling them, a rayhawk. Now, if he could only get some tickets to a game ... In case you haven't heard, this haircut is now the Rays' signature, and it even got a kid suspended from school. Cool! He said he got some strange looks at the barber shop, but it was worth it!

Worth a run to the border?

On a whim, Nick and I made a post-bedtime run to the border after seeing a commercial for Taco Bell's new volcano taco and simultaneously thinking, "That looks good."
So we patiently wait our turn in the drive-thru, fork over our $2 and race home to dig in. Now, if you haven't seen the commercial for these tacos, they depict a guy dousing his face with a Coke after eating one because it's supposedly that spicy.
We unwrap the tacos, take a bite, then another. We look at each other with disappointment. Where was the spice? When would our mouths catch fire? As we crunched on the last bite of taco we both felt cheated.
Even with its red shell, the volcano taco was so not worth getting out of bed and driving to Taco Bell — or going off my diet.

Sunday column: Marriage

What have you done for your marriage today?
I saw this question on a billboard the other day as I was driving down the road, and it got me thinking.
I've been married all of 14 months, so a lot about it is still new and exciting to me. For example, I still catch myself smiling when I refer to "my husband." And my new last name doesn't sound quite right yet, but those things are just a matter of time.
I've been fortunate in my life to have a model of commitment in my parents' marriage. Logging more than 30 years as a married couple, they've stuck together though thick and thin and always provided our family with stability.
But, let's get back to that question: What have I done for my marriage today?
Well, I set a couple of alarm clocks this morning so my husband would wake up in time for his morning class. I bought his favorite snacks when I went grocery shopping. I apologized when I bit his head off because I was cranky, not because he'd done anything wrong.
Those sound like little things, but I think the point is that we married people need to constantly remember that our marriages need caring and attention every day, no matter how small the gesture.
In only 14 months of marriage, I've seen how easy it is to let the stress of everyday life consume all of our energy and time, leaving little left to offer the one you love. This can happen in all kinds of relationships, but it's marriage where it matters the most.
We all know the disheartening statistic that half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. If we want to change that and bring back the commitment, honesty and loyalty that the institution of marriage used to stand for, then we've got to start investing some time and energy in our relationships.
It's really a simple thing, like giving your husband a big hug or pushing his buttons a little less often, but it takes thoughtfulness.
Before I got married, I loved asking married people for their advice about marriage. I collected a few gems that I try to remember now that I've joined their ranks.
There was the old standby, "Never go to bed angry," which I admit we've broken several times. I don't know if I necessarily agree with it, since sometimes when you go to bed angry, you wake up with a fresh perspective and have forgotten what point of the fight was to begin with. At least, I do.
"Nothing that happens at the office is more important that your marriage." Coming from a veteran news reporter and editor, I knew this one carried a lot of meaning and experience. And it doesn't just apply to journalists. We would all benefit from gaining some perspective sometimes and remembering what's really important in life.
"You have to forgive and forget. If there's something you can't forget, you put it in your heart and keep it there." This advice was given to me by a woman who'd been married to the same man for more than 56 years. It doesn't sound like an easy thing to do, but the advice is full of wisdom and truth. I imagine you learn a lot about your spouse and about yourself after 56 years of marriage. This woman and her husband understand what true commitment is all about, and I take her words of wisdom to heart.
Even this week I encountered some marriage advice that rang true: "Every day, try to be the best wife (or husband) that you can be." That doesn't mean gifting my husband with a plasma TV (although if I did that, I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to bestow the Best Wife Ever title upon me). No, it just means remembering how much I love him and showing him how important he is to me every single day.
Now that I've got a little more than a year of marriage under my belt, maybe I can dole out some advice of my own. What I would say is to remember the little things, and value them. It's the simple traditions that will mean a lot no matter where you are or what your situation is.
So what did you do for your marriage today? If you cared for the baby while your spouse slept, cleaned up the kitchen, let your husband listen to his favorite music in the car or made your wife dinner, give yourself a pat on the back.
Then, let's all try to do it again tomorrow.

The "For Your Marriage" campaign, which also features some cute TV commercials, is actually a project of the Catholic church, which I think is awesome! Check it out right here.

An open letter

Dear person who screwed up Nick's financial aid:
Back in January, when I had to pay for his college tuition out-of-pocket (i.e., charge it on my credit card), I really hated you. But today — today I love you, because that nine-month-old loan money landed in our account with a thud (and the thud echoed because the account was so empty). It couldn't have been timed more perfectly!
Here's to some good news ... finally!

Vision therapy

So we officially embarked upon Nick's vision therapy program this week. It's pretty intensive and requires a lot of dedication, but hopefully it will be worth it. Here he is doing his light therapy and listening therapy. Looks pretty strange, but it's helped lots of people.

He's a natural

He looks pretty good holding a baby, huh? Little Ava Hart seems pretty content.

And finally — my months of hard work were all worth it once this project was hanging in Ava's room.

Back to school

Nick started a new quarter at Louisiana Tech today, and it's going to be a great one. He's got one of my favorite English professors for his American literature class, he's got the better of the two geology professors and he's taking political science during a presidential election. Sounds good to me. Hey Nick, want to trade? I'll go to class and you can fill in for me at work. If only ...

One year later

The happy couple, one year later.

The secret to defrosting wedding cake: Move it from freezer to fridge the day before.

We had a great anniversary, complete with Johnny's pizza (closest thing to B.J.'s, which we ate in the hotel on our wedding night), an exchange of mushy cards, a viewing of the wedding video (thanks Uncle Rod!) and of course — wedding cake! It held up in the freezer surprisingly well and tasted great (Nick had his doubts, but managed to polish off a few pieces). Here's to us!

Oh happy day

Here's what we were doing one year ago today. Wow! So much has happened since then, and we've got so much to look forward to.