Sunday column: Family

Disclaimer: I feel fairly confident that my family members mentioned in the column that follows have a thick enough skin to appreciate the humor I was attempting. If not, however, read at your own risk. And grow a thicker skin!

“When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
— George Bernard Shaw

Family is a wonderful thing, especially around the holidays, right?
True, but let’s be honest — everyone’s family has its own set of idiosyncrasies and challenges. These are the things that are glossed over in the holiday made-for-TV movies and Christmas carols. They are what makes us wonder why we willingly drove two hours or more to spend time with these people who know how to push all of our buttons and inevitably do so, year after year.
So in the spirit of the holidays, I’d like to present a more realistic family portrait of my own. As the oldest of four children, it has been my pleasure and my curse to watch the three people I claim as siblings develop into functioning adults. Well, at least we’re functioning most of the time. The beauty of this exercise is I get to leave myself out of the picture because not only am I the oldest and the bossiest, I’m the writer. They won’t get their say until well after this is printed and sitting in driveways.

No. 2 of 4: The brother
As one of only two men trying to hold their own in a household of women, I have to give my brother credit for being the underdog. As my sisters and I agonized over hair styles, boyfriends and clothes, he understandably holed himself up in his room with only his friends and his electronics to console him.
Phillip, a Louisiana Tech alumnus, has been the only one of us four to choose a major that could actually guarantee a healthy bank account. And believe me, he’s worked that angle for all it’s worth. Although he will go to his grave denying it, Phillip is a true yuppie at heart, evidenced by his downtown apartment furnished with Pottery Barn and Ikea designs, his souped-up black BMW and the fact that he will drink only gourmet coffee, freshly ground and French pressed.
But despite all of that, he’s actually a nice guy. He’s helped me move countless times (although he probably has kept count and will hold it against me to the end), and he was even a Boy Scout. This is probably why, to this day, I have a soft spot for Boy Scouts.
In a one-on-one situation, Phillip is easy-going and fun to be around. But bring the whole family into the mix and there will be trouble. Especially when No. 3 of 4 is around. The tension, and the sarcasm, get thick.

No. 3 of 4: The middle sister
When I refer to her as the Black Sheep of the Family, don’t think I’m hurling a stinging insult her way. Carolyn embraced this title years ago and certainly has lived up to it. A painter, a raw-foodist and lover of all music that would make most normal people run screaming, she is truly unique. But in addition to all that, Carolyn is a hard worker and, when the mood strikes, can make the people around her feel happy and alive. When the mood doesn’t strike, though, she can make your blood boil in 10 seconds or less.
Middle-child syndrome was rough on her, and her episodes of acting out probably permanently made my parents dread answering the phone.
It seems South Louisiana suits her best, since that’s where she’s stayed the longest. And in just a few weeks, she’ll graduate from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette with a degree in painting (see, I was right about Phillip — engineers can pay the bills. Painters and writers, not so much).

No. 4 of 4: The baby sister
Is it wrong that sometimes I still think of her as a kindergartner? It’s strange that I do, especially when I’m helping her edit a 300-level English paper she’s written for one of the many advanced courses she’s taking at the University of Louisiana at Monroe. I guess at any age, the youngest sibling is always considered “the baby.” And in our family, Julie is usually the peacemaker, too. She’s as flexible and easy-going as they come — probably out of sheer necessity. Growing up with three older siblings like us, she had to be laid back simply to survive.
Don’t let her low profile fool you, though, because her tongue can cut deeply if you touch a nerve. This is probably another survival mechanism developed from years of watching the three older ones go at it.
Julie and I have a lot in common, which makes being her big sister even more fun. I’ve dragged her around as my sidekick for years, and I hope she knows I plan to continue doing so for many more to come.

This may be the first holiday in years that the four of us won’t all be together under one roof, which I admit feels strange. However, experiences in the recent past make me think that it may not be the worst thing in the world. Now that we’ve all got unlimited text messaging, we can pick and choose what we say to whom and when. If we all text carefully, then this may prove to be the best holiday yet.